The world may be in flames, society may be crumbling like a stale oatcake, and your phone battery has long since given up the ghost, but you? You’ve got a hanky! And that puts you miles ahead of the moaning masses, shambling through the rubble with not so much as a square of cotton to their name.
Here’s why you should always carry a hanky during the apocalypse.
1. First Aid for the Mildly Unlucky
From impromptu tourniquets to makeshift slings, a hanky is a small but mighty field medic. It’s not going to save your arm if you’ve met a hungry feral badger, but it might stop the bleeding long enough for you to run away screaming with a bit of dignity.
2. Signal Flags for the Socially Desperate
Tied to a stick, waved wildly, or left fluttering on the ruins of a Prius, a hanky is a handy signal flag for when you spot another human who doesn’t look immediately cannibalistic. Choose a bright colour if possible. No one notices greige anymore, apocalypse or not.
3. Water Filter for the Cautiously Thirsty
Is it clean? No. Is it better than gulping down questionable puddle juice straight? Slightly. A few layers of hanky can strain out some of the visible horrors from your “water source.” Follow with boiling over the camp fire, purification tablets, and a quick prayer to whoever’s still listening.
4. Dust Mask for the Fashionably Doomed
When the air turns brown and choking becomes a daily sport, tie your hanky over your face like a cowboy in a Western. Bonus points if you manage to look mysterious and capable while hacking up radioactive lung lint.
5. Morale Booster for the Romantically Doomed
It’s soft. It smells faintly of Before Times (lavender? mothballs?). Use it to wipe a tear, share with a comrade, or blow your nose after yet another emotional breakdown behind the derelict petrol station. Somehow, a hanky says: “It may be the end of the world, but I can still have a little decorum.”
6. Barter Item for the Perpetually Underequipped
Never underestimate the value of clean cloth in a world where even toilet paper is legend. Your gift set of hankies from Grandma last Christmas, complete with embroidered days of the week, could be just the thing to score you a bashed up tin of Frey Bentos meatballs or a working lighter. Just don’t tell them what you last used it for.
So pack a hanky. Fold it neatly. Tuck it in your pocket. When the end comes, you’ll be a little more ready than the rest. And we all know, you don't have to be the most prepared, just more prepared than most.